Another Letter that will go unanswered

Dear _____, 

Thank you for writing ________. It is a brilliant book. I am only on p. 281, so if I am anticipating anything you cover beyond that page, I apologize. 

I too always yearned for what I thought was "authentic" community, although it wasn't just about religion for me. After many decades, I decided that G-d didn't want me to "lose" myself in something bigger the way I always wanted to. Maybe it is a case described by Leonard Cohen thusly:  "yes you, who must leave everything, that you cannot control." I found it extremely difficult to accept the narrowness, deliberate ignorance, intolerance & bigotry I found in every. single. conservative or traditional religious community I tried be be a part of, and there were many. I NEVER FOUND AN EXCEPTION. Not once. As recently as last year I tried to become involved at our local Chabad. I agree w you that identity or religious practice shouldn't be reduced to a commodity. Yet I was engaging more with Jewish spirituality at that time and had discovered possible Jewish relatives on both my mother and father's side,  Ashkenazi (father, more recent) and Sephardic (mother, more historic). In this era of identity politics I would never claim a Jewish heritage culturally or ethnically, but I do claim it spiritually. (btw I have never run across the inclusivity you describe among non-orthodox communities. In the political left wing community there is a lot of extreme identity tyranny.) 

The Rabbi I contacted had me sign up for a class on the Six Day War!!!! The "study guide" was nothing but pure right wing ideology w biblical window dressing. The Rabbi was openly bigoted, not just against Arabs but against Mexicans and immigrants! I only lasted halfway through the class. If I did not get my nose rubbed in blatant racism, chauvinism, and political reaction, I would have tried to enter classes for Hebrew, and for whatever a woman is allowed to study. (Which is another problem, the exclusion of women from religious study). By the way, both the Chabad and the Messianic Jewish congregation out here are definitely NOT thriving, and they are both conservative. 

Your romanticization of community based on pious practice is a privilege only few can afford. NOBODY IS WELCOME THERE UNLESS THEY ARE EXACTLY THE SAME. Unless, in other words, they are willing to conform. And even then, it is usually exclusive to blood relationship. It is an exclusive club you must be born into. HOW IS ANY OF THAT SPIRITUAL OR CONDUCIVE TO HOLINESS??? You should see the way Haredim commented about Julia Haart. Like the stoning scene from Zorba the Greek. I didn't see any charity there, for her. 

I wrote that Rabbi, who was very smug, and told him that HaShem didn't create an entire world full of people just for him to despise them and look down upon them, and only love those who are the same and not different. Believe you me, if I had EVER even ONCE found a conservative community that practiced SPIRITUALITY and not carnality, I'd have done anything to belong to it. But the sad truth is, the more pious/conservative, the less spiritual. (Obviously I am talking about generalities, there are always exceptions.) 

I just separated from a little community of Vaishnavs, Hare Krishnas. I always wanted to experience some kind of Eastern practice. Yet again, I found the Indian members to be backward, high caste, and politically conservative, and the non-Indian members were the same (except for caste/class).  The Vaishnavs, in general, while very "nice" and "pleasant" are as dogmatic as any other traditional religious community. 

So far, (up to p. 281), all the boons you describe of Haredi life are CARNAL in nature. You are talking about the experience of community, because you had not before belonged to a community in the same way. I went through the same experience living in my mother's small town w my Uncle who had become religious as a Catholic. I romanticized this experience but it was unsustainable and my humanistic values ultimately reasserted themselves. 

I just have one message for you: your spiritual relationship with G-d has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH WHETHER YOU ARE HAREDI OR SECULAR. It has absolutely nothing to do with how well you keep the law. It's about intimacy with the Divine. Ruth wasn't Jewish. Rahab wasn't Jewish. David failed to keep the law multiple times. Love of G-d and humanity cannot be based on an exclusionary community in which you will begin to believe that all non-Haredi Jews are not real Jews, and all Gentiles are animals. How is that diff from fundamentalist Islam or Christian nationalism? Do you really want to start believing that what you and your specific community enjoy is the best possible of all worlds & that others are inferior because they cannot also enjoy it?  Because that is what will happen to you. You will lose your unconditional love of humanity, and by losing that, you will lose your loving intimacy with G-d. Gevurah and Chesed must be balanced, but it is better to favor Chesed, and I believe that is a true Torah, authentically Jewish teaching. If piety is so great, why does it always produce more bigots than saints who truly practice transcendent love? 

I grew up in a Philosemitic, Judeophile home. I suspect we were descended of Crypto Jews in Spain. My father, native Hungarian, taught us to understand the Holocaust because he did not want us to be ignorant & spoiled American brats. The rich soil in my intellectual and spiritual garden is secular & sacred Jewish literature and history. I immersed myself in Holocaust studies for years at a time, all through my life. Yet today I am called an antisemite because I oppose the criminal & fascist govt of Netanyahu. I know you are aware of the situation. Can you understand that the arrogance, racism, & supremacy of Zionists AND the ultra-orthodox & settler movement, who strive to establish a theocracy in Israel, and will commit any atrocity to realize their vision of a "greater Israel", has caused me to have almost no compassion for Israeli people? When I contemplate the consequences which may befall Israel as a nation state (not Jews as a people), I am unmoved. This is a direct result of the inhumanity shown towards non-Jews by Israel, not to mention its war crimes and atrocities. The fears and phobias of the Zionists are a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you are in Israel with your family, and the consequences come, are you going to blame anti-semitism? 

You will lose your activism also in a pious community because the world is shunned and the only solutions are found in Torah, not in social activism. They will work on you slowly. They will give you love and acceptance and a genuine tradition to immerse yourself in. And gradually they will bend you, like gold warmed in fire, into what they think you should be. If that is your desire, I wish you well. I hope you can be the exception, the one who keeps their humanity and continues to value the humanity in ALL others. I know of what I speak because I have experienced it myself. The leader of the Hare Krishna group here, was very open and I easily confided in him. In the end I had to confront him on his total rejection of concern for what was happening in the world (he doesn't even vote). I confronted him about how he would feel if his community should come under persecution by religious extremists, and he refused to acknowledge his grief and loss and peril should that happen. There was no basis for continued trust at that point. I think you and I had mirror paths: I kept looking for humanism and true spirituality among conservatives, and you kept looking for authentic pious practice among the liberals. When in reality, the ultimate is moral obedience that is CHOSEN,  infused and tempered with radical, unconditional love. 

 I still don't understand how ANY Jewish people can become so conservative that they support fascists, both here and in Israel, when fascism & nationalism were the ideologies that committed the worst atrocities in human history, the first mechanized genocide, against Jews. 

I am skeptical that you will read this letter, but I hope you know it is sent w gratitude and affection and respect, 

Katherine Edmiston 

Sh'ma Yisra'eil Adonai Eloheinu Adonai echad 

Baal Shem Tov