The Buried Child

My parents, whom I only survived partially, but more or less intact, finally crossed over to the other side. I've been sorting old pictures and mementos...found an old, philosophical, accusing letter I wrote to my parents which they (or my mother), surprisingly valued enough to keep among their possessions...Their dark kingdom is gone, destroyed, passed away...but the impact they had on their (childless) children will persist for the rest of our lives. 

"Dear Mom and Dad, 

When I spoke to you of Christianity and said that a philosopher [Simone Weil] detected signs of Christianity in the ancient Greeks, Dad as usual simply scoffed. 

But look here-  what else is classical tragedy but the Fall [of Man]:  Original Sin or mortal sin? Tragedy arises from a 'fatal flaw' which is, moreover, a hidden  or buried or secret or denied flaw.  It is not sin itself, but the denial of sin [emphasis added] which bears such a tremendous destructive capacity.  In school I wrote a paper comparing a modern play 'Buried Child' [by Sam Shepard] to classical Greek tragedy.  The similarity lies in this:  the murdered child which is buried in the backyard is the seed of destruction for the entire family, and for generations to come.  Why? Because the crime was denied.  Only in truth do we find goodness and freedom.  All sin is the denial of truth.  In Greek tragedy, as in the modern play, it is not so much the flaw or evil deed as the denial of it which causes untold destruction. 

All sin is the denial of Truth.  When we deny our sins, we are denying the fact that we cannot [in and of ourselves] be good.  Only something denied has the power to destroy us.  To admit a terrible truth is blessedness.  To deny that we cannot be good is damnation.  Oedipus suffered because he did not 'know' the sins he had committed, was indeed fated to commit.  We cannot know our sins except by grace.  We do not ask for the grace to know our sins because we do not want to admit that we are not good.  All we do in life apart from grace is to manufacture an endless series of lies and illusions designed to convince us we are good when in fact we are not.  Only when this monstrous edifice of self-deceit is torn down may we breathe the sweet air of liberty. 

But we are assured that in the end, all will be revealed.  Nothing shall remain hidden, and all that festers below, rank and foul and rotting, such as the corpse of the buried child, will come forth.  In the end there is no escape [from ourselves].  Hell is the condition of being no longer able to deny the truth about ourselves, yet having passed the point at which we could freely admit our guilt.  The damned are in a perpetual meditation on every unclean act and thought they ever committed.  So as the old saying goes:  'You can run but you cannot hide.' 

Kat 

It is not what we are, but what we become when we cease to be, which saves us...We cease to be whenever we admit the truth about ourselves which is that we are nothing.  It is only in becoming nothing (rather, knowing that truly we are nothing), that we have any chance to be."

Despite it's overt idealism, it is a good representation of my belief system, which is, however, not based in religious morality but rather in humanism.  I was forced by the denial at the root of the life of my alcoholic family of origin to confront others.  I have confronted denial most of my life, less so now...But the denial that is most important for me to confront, of course, is my own.